The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not
doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more
than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened,
and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a
lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or
something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or
impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up
because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world.
Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority
of you are too d**ned lazy to do your homework and figure it out. Let's
start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news
media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the
tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record
numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll
point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high.
Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton
Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't
seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to
record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these
markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of
you are too d**n stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's
increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of
noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than
your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil"
thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's
oilfields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me
this 'Bush Lied People Died' crap either. If I was the liar you morons
take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so
they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the
intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world
thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime
change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office.
Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know
that, did you? You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy.
Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and
economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because
fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were
simply able to outspend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if
they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they
weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But
they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the
globe.You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in
the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've
got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law
enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that.
When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and
difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and
difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through
the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should
last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the
enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a
donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit,
you might just as well Fedex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts
to the same thing. In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the
truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New
York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any
smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always
be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city
that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more
about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where
the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do
so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house
down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully
self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and
as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again.
Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of
America fall.Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is
your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because
I still have a glimmer of hope that there're just enough of you remaining
who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what
I mean. The rest of you, **** off.
